Thoughts update in the Summer Holiday 2009

This is an open blog, but in other sense, my diary. I am not a pure person, that is I have been corrupted along the way as I grow up in this society. Of course, I am able to think logically, with as much integrity and moral and ethics as possible.

My blog has contained many inner demons - Regrets, evil thoughts, bad consideration, whinces and many other negative aspects. They even contain some ghost stories I have compiled in my NS days. However, I have made my diary an open blog, a public one. I have implied earlier that "Pen is mightier than sword". This is why I have to take care not to offend while trying to get my points across. Of course, some points are better left unsaid.

It is my hope that I can have good news to be put into my blog. Truly. Awaiting ...

This friday is also a day of reckoning. I admit I have made too many mistakes that will cost me. Now I can do nothing but to pray for my grades, for I really like research and knowledge, and both which I would need grades to help me. This coming Friday ... I hope I can really smile for the first time .... ...

Up to today, I am not 100% rejected in emotion, and I am definitely not looking to rejection. Rejection is a very negative feeling. However, when you do not even have a significant chance in life to even try to ask, you will turn a little bonker. Either I am really "lucky", or I am a true "loser". I am not proud of this lame statistics and I do not want this record, as I am always prevented from making the first move. I even come up with a lame theory that I am good luck chuck. This is cock and bull, indefinitely. Right now, I keep feeling that I am a loser in this sense. My only focus now is to serve and contribute to my country and society, value family, kinships and friendships, and take care of my health above all, while building up my wealth of knowledge and materials. Only then, can I help others. To help others, I must help myself first.

My confidence has skydived recently, in lieu of the emotional aspects. I do not know what happened. Is it because of my "insolence" or my character, or for what I have done? To me, making her feel uncomfortable is already a lost cause, up to now, as the 2 "quiet" months have passed. Have I talked too much? Have I been too hasty? Have I done something horribly wrong? All these that caused her to be very uncomfortable in my presence, and at the same time, lose the "friend talks" that we formally can have. Now, I keep feeling that I did something wrong, although I really cannot recollect what I have done except, perhaps I have talked too much, maybe too much cock and bull. And maybe I have made a mistake for revealing my affection to people around me. I might have harmed her along the way. I do not blame my friends at the end of the day, the real cause is always the person, myself. If I have been a better person, then things would not have gone or become that bad afterall.

I have since decided to "give up" for the best of the current circumstances, and to hope for the best in our endeavours. With hope, we can continue to be good friends that can communicate openly to each other. I do not have the rights to comment on the "other side", in which I have various possible theories.
However, I can definitely look at myself and ask why do I still make her feel uncomfortable even after months. First of all, somethings are never meant to be, perhaps, especially an intricate thing such as emotion. Secondly, I must be really a person with big flaws though some are my characteristics. For instance, talking cock and rot (dry sense of humour?) must be controlled. Not all people can take the bull, especially the person I like and truly care about. I am very sensitive, and ironically I might also be the one thinking too much.

And this means what I have inputted above might not even be true ... LAme ...

Everything is an illusion, and the things I have pursued are empty and all in the name of youth ...

Perhaps being an "uncle", or maturity or old might not be that bad for me after all ... I prefer to call it wisdom.

Right now, the sense is that I have to be logical and that I must continue to be a better person. Competence, capability, Character. I do feel emo now and then. But life goes on, and I cannot always feel emo. The most insane thing is that I am feeling emo over an illusion, or simply a fragment of my imagination. I know I cannot stop it. But I can minimise it. Logically, I deem all this as obscure and petty issues that I must get over with.

Hope is always there, and I must believe that I always have a choice, a choice to do good and minimise cruelty. The time of peace seems to be now, as I hope humans can continue to advance, beyond enlightenment, beyond transcend. This does not mean that we play God, but to understand the true meaning, the faith and the fulfillment. That is all what is necessary for me now.
I must know what I want. I know what I want. So, I should stop feeling sorry for myself or for other people. Do what I can. Even with lack of talent, I must still attain the "10000 times theory", the theory of genius.

The rain should be over by now, I am looking forward to the rainbow and the clear blue sky. The rain is a big one, but not a disastrous one, thank goodness. This is why I am breathing in the fresh air and waiting to savour.

With renewed optimism, and always looking for hope,
William Kenshin |-_-X|
Gnail I.E.W Hep Mailliw
Bai Wei Liang
For the guy who is not the most lucky person on Earth, but lucky enough.