Phew ... Going to Retire from the Blue soon ...

It has been months and "eons", since I touched this blog. Feeling very busy. With the obligation to participate in IMF. Here and there, there will always be ups and downs. There will always be sadness, negative feelings, but then enjoyment, happiness and positive feelings.

Deep down, some of the things are best forgotten, and I am glad to see that many of my surroundings are still okay.

3/10/2006; 0153 hrs

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By the way, I have been so busy on my project that I hardly have anytime for blog. Or even to meet manyof my friends. But soon, I will ask them out for gatherings ...

Pardon me.
There are so many things for me to expect and yet I seem hardly well, to reach my standard. Talking about low self-confidence. I always have to screw-up. It seems there are good genes and bad genes, and I am so self-abased that I may soon have to put myself in the list of bad genes.

I have really many weakness. And it seems that there are plenty for me to change. No longer luck just play a role, and to be frank, I already have all the luck in the world. Or perhaps I am already blessed with luck. But somehow, I just cannot do things right.

Perhaps I am never a good presenter. I feel horribly uneasy when I go up stage. It is not just a common stage fright. But then inside me, I know there is this wonderful "me" wanting to be released, but then somehow this "me" is locked securely inside the "prison", when I just go on stage. It is a really unhealthy and disturbing signs for a person who wants to do great things yet is not a good public speaker. Perhaps I have eluded most of my childhood stage experiences, but then the experiences on public speaking in the past is actually quite positive and memorable.

Hai~~ I will just have to create a style and method like what I did to Sudoku. This is the only way to minimise my downside, and also to get back what that is supposedly belong to me, GLORY, COURAGE and HAPPINESS ...

Many people have weakness and strength, and somehow I have so much weakness to change that each one is tiring me out.

I refuse to run away. But then if I still cannot get the job well-done on time, then running away is a cowardice but essential strategy. But I hate to be that type of cowards. But then, I do not want to screw the whole things up. Many things are at stake and really, I am giving myself a lot of stress.

I hate to contradict, and yet manyatime I have strange twisted logics and reasons that are really useless and futile. It only deproves me and yet I still contradict. How to be a winner? How to be a thinker? And how to become a WISE strategists (Which I proclaimed to ...)

Hai ~

I want to be cool and calm but that is my characteristics. Perhaps my strategy to be versatile seems to fail as I am now neither here nor there. A real versatile will be very good but then I am just a half Jack of all trades. I should have specialise myself in some areas. Really. Then I can contribute to any teams or any company with ease.

Instead of being 10/10 in at least 3 areas, I have become 5/10 in around 10 areas. And unfortunately, in a team, it is not just the points that count but in what area you can contribute. If the team set the criteria of 9/10, then all the 5s will have been superfically useless. And the current trends and the policy of the natural selection of the best is to give due credits to the people who have found their right niches.

I am writing something disheartening and to tell the truth, I am a little bit disconcerted and disturbed by my recent exploits. I think my strategies have failed, and I still want to be a strategist. I can avoid and run away. Running and escaping is easy, but then I will not have face up to reality. I will not have been the MAN. And I actually force myself to stand in all these senarios so that I can change and learn for the better and also to contribute at the same time. But then, evidently the contributions are pretty and useless.

And the next thing will be, I will have concluded that the whole thing is not suitable for me and I will again run. Hai ~~~~

I am now beginning to suspect and doubt myself and my abilities. I hate the feelings of veing wasted. But now and then, I realise I have wasted lots and lots of things.

Suspicion and DOUBTS lead to self-abased and low confidence. And like what Yoda will have said, to the extreme conditions, it will lead to irritation, anger and eventually hatred. Thus, suspicion is a really horrible sentiments. (As all the dark desires and emotions may be unleashed ...)

What am I good at? What am I truly good at? I still have not got my destiny right ...

And I truly need to find my right destiny ... ... ...

And I truly have plenty to be done and plenty to be admonished ...



A really really really negative thoughts done and the inner heart that berates oneself ...