Mid-Autumn Festival is Today ... And I just realise traditional Chinese Festival seems to be quieter as the years go by. It is really saddening to see a culture becoming quieter, but hey, things changed, but of course many people refuse to allow good traditions and festivals to die, thus thereby allowing some form of celebration. Anyway, I am going to be some of this people, if I can in the future. When I am affluent some day, I really believe I can do all things that many youths and my generation think it was stupid to do.
It is a fact that numbers of Christian will increase, as time has changed and thinking too. Not only Christians but also atheists. But anyway, I hope the surviving few, like some of the youths can continue to run temples' activities, after the generation of present parents. Not only Chinese but also other races like Indians. However, base on my observation, I think Malay Muslim will not be that affected as most of them can still strictly adhere to good traditions of the past. Whereas Chinese and perhaps Indians will be the most affected ones. I am really afraid to see a future where there are no more wonderful festivals to be celebrated and that if I want to celebrate or eat mooncake, I will have to go to China or Taiwan. Certain praying and offerings seem also to be deteriorated but I believe all these can still be uphold. It is also a sad fact that if lesser people, means lesser contribution and therefore a more quiet celebration. But life still goes on. I refuse to use the word "hope" as "believe" is always a lot stronger than "hope".
It will be exceptionally delightful to see every festivals and cultures to be a noisy (Not just rock and roll) and boisterous one.
Anyway, about the recent furore over the racist remarks, I truly agree and advocate that hard measures have to be done. I am anti-discrimination and all forms of racism, and whatevertism. Some people simply do not learn to "think big", "think wide", and be an open-minded person. Variety and diversity is forever a most colourful picture in my mind, not offending the homogenous nation who had their wonderful "colours" and "culture". At least, I get to test different foods, use different abusive words (Oppss,,,) and seeing things in different light. This is what is so unique about Singapore. And hard measures must be done, as from the broken window theory, we can even allow a scratch to be done to a good clear window glass, as this might eventually splattered and smashed one day. This is also tantamount to the principle of corruption. There are always this kind of people in the world, but again, I believe they will change their mind. Always, I have this stupid idea that rather a powerful alien invasion or disease will befall us, so that we will learn to be united and not be prejudice over stupid small differences, when we share the same 30000 genes. But this is a stupid idea, and I believe people will learn things by simple ways. Believe .............
Enough about the whole big thing, the general thing and an intellectual mind. Yesterday, I went for both Mooncake(Also known as Lantern, Mid-Autumn, and Unity[For a full moon represent a unite and full circle]) celebration at Toa Payoh Shuang Lin Monastery and Yishun R.C. I have much fun. Wishing using lotus leave, letting it float in a small pond. Enjoying sights of Lantern and performances. At Yishun, I walk around the large vicinity to reminisce about the past and to see how the landscape has changed tremendously. Only 6 years, is all it takes. Things change fast, faster than what I can think of.
But anyway, I am suddenly imbued with a sense of guilty and disconsolation. I saw a former Secondary and even JC classmate and schoolmate. I have never told this to anyone and never have I admit, but I feel I deserve to give myself some explanation, therefore I am using the blog as an open declaration and confession and to seek solace openly.
This former girl I have met, is actually the first girl I have ever a crush on. I do not know how it happen, until today, in retrospect, I have tried to use Science and unbias attitude to view how I ever get a crush by incident (Crazy me !), but alas no matter how I will always feel guilty of my nonchalant and "tao"(Ignorant and maybe arrogant) attitude.
This girl I met in a bus when I was a carefree Sec1 kid at Yishun, at my Primary School. The first sight I saw her and I know she is familiar, but that was just few weeks after the opening of the sec 1 school lessons.
Then, afterthat, at school, when I saw her, I knew that I have a crush on her. At that time, even though love hormones start pouring out into my blood, I am still ignorant and oblivious of the reality of relationship. And also I am devoid of courage, as this is a stupid point which I think I take the worng step. (After JC is the beginning of good differentiation point for me) Maybe it is my action, I am too obvious. I will always tried to take the same bus with her. I will always steal a glance at her. Until my friends start to poke fun at me. Of course my childlish mind try to fight back, and also to protect her, I will reject all claims of me "liking" her. Of course, I believe at that time she was disgusted but if I am more Man at that time, things will have been very different.
Sec 1 is a smooth sailing year for me, for it seems I can achieve the highest grade in the class, getting medals and cup in sports and competition as if they are all easy. I am also acknowledged as an important member of my CCA. But of course I got a little down (Maybe of my freckles and pimples as love hormones may mean unbalance hormones).
When I heard that she had a "boyfriend" who is senior to me and also my friend, I knew that this relationship will not last long, yet I feel sad. Then this feeling disappear as I hynotise myself everyday. Then, Sec 2 came, when everything seem to go wrong. But I get the feeling back again, maybe due to the fact that I can no longer suppress the accumulation of hormones. But again, I tried to act cool, and in some way, become a jerk, and "tao", and this cause me dearly. As people view me as a very introvert and shy person who always feel nervous talking to girls. This is of course very unhealthy. (though now I still have that stupid characteristics, but under the mind of meditation, I summon my strong sub-conciousness to detour the silly shyness)
Then at Sec 3 and 4, I totally "tao" her. In fact JC1 and 2, there are occasion where I am really close to her, but again I "tao". And I have found an explanation of all these is the fact that I choose to ignore and run away from feelings. This can be catastrophic, but lucky for me, it is small but on my personal touch, I am hurt seriously over the "running". In fact a real man should not run away but must face all bravely. A real man must in fact rise to the occasion. I am really guilty of this "tao", until I think she is absolutely disgusted with me. And I just realise I met her as I walked past her, and suddenly stopped in my mid-way as I thought I have just walked past a person I knew. I turned back and watched her continue her steps to the interchange. She was absolutely impervious by all the affairs. I thought of calling her, but base on reflections, I think it is wise not to. Who am I to her, a friend? After all the stupid things I have ever done. "tao" has indeed caused me dearly, this is why I am putting all action to stop this "evil". As I watched her back becoming smaller and eventually disappeared, many thoughts filled me mind. In fact, I think I am not fit to be her friend. Maybe she saw me or maybe she did not, but it was my fault that caused all the uncomfortable and uneasy fate.
If only I can savage the situation....
But anyway, what I can do for my future, is to prevent all these from happening. I have hurt many people over my disgusting and unforgivable actions. For now, I can only feel this guilt, as it totally assauge me, filling me with helplessness.
This will be truly a reminder, that Thou shall never be "TAO" by definition of haughty, ignorant of people especially those close to me and whom I know and also arrogant and proud (A negative meaning) .
I have classified 3 types of people I absolutely loath and disdian.
1.) Hypocrites
2.) Backstabber and an exposer that has promised to keep secrets but reveal indiscriminately without fulfilling a sincere promises.
3.) A very "tao", haughty, arrogant personnel who totally put everything under his/her feet.
These are worst than all creatures including thieves. Even some theives have backbone.
Sense of darkness ...
But I am seeing light now. As new light dawn on me ... A new light shimmering in my mind, guiding me. My sub-consciousness and myself, It is all in my mind......
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