Every now and then, I will read through my blog and assess, appraise and evulate what my blog is.
Indeed, I have many errors, grammar, spelling, sentence structures (An example, Fathom, I spell it as phantom). And also my blog is typically wordy with very few or virtually less graphics. I feel that since this is a diary, I will focus more on my texts using words rather than uploading pictures. Of course, a saying, "A picture is an essay of more than 1000 words". But since it is my blog, and I feel comfortable looking at it, then maybe this will be my idiosyncrasy, my style.
Many of the mistakes which are unintentional are caused by my fast typing, and less checking. And I have also explained, sometimes, in my own literature terms and meaning (which some people will find it lame), it is to show that I am still not perfect and have many things to ameliorate and change.
I have also found out the 3rd demon which the Christians viewed as the strongest demons of the realm, other than the 2 which I have stated before. I think the name is Mephisto and also means devil. Anyway, all these are just general knowledge to me, as knowledge is power. But again to show the equality and the balance, ignorance sometimes is bliss. Likewise, Complex is good to analyse all the possibilitiesm, while by Occam Razor, simple things are meant to solve problems instantly.
After going through the blog, I realise my blog is indeed like a diary, but is extremely open. This is a price for an open blog. Where people can view my experiences. Also, I am quite worried about the OSA about my NS life. But I am glad that I have not stepped over the limit but is quite dangerously close to the limit.
Criticism issues like the NKF and others, I am glad that the comments are minimal and acceptable, as I express my opinion.
I do realise one important thing and that is inspiration may be very short-lived, as a typical example might be, as I look back at my blog, sometimes, I am quite nonplussed that I can actually input something extreme (Either very good or very bad) at that point of time and which I may not do it now, at present moment. This is why like the entry on creativity and inspiration, I have stated clearly that good things are very contemporary, and that they are very likely to be disposed off your mind, if you do not cherish and use it or jot it down (for future use) at that point of time. This manner may only be reflected on me. But as always, I make it a point to change, for the better.
Anyway, I am also quite pleased that people I do not know has assessed my blog and give positive comment. Any comments, good or bad, are welcome, although constricted by law.
Finally, Arigo Para Slempre (My version of Ameigo Paras Slempre), friends for life !!! Be sure, my blog will evolve, and I believe a positive evolution, as I myself will upgrade ... :)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Sense of darkness ...
Mid-Autumn Festival is Today ... And I just realise traditional Chinese Festival seems to be quieter as the years go by. It is really saddening to see a culture becoming quieter, but hey, things changed, but of course many people refuse to allow good traditions and festivals to die, thus thereby allowing some form of celebration. Anyway, I am going to be some of this people, if I can in the future. When I am affluent some day, I really believe I can do all things that many youths and my generation think it was stupid to do.
It is a fact that numbers of Christian will increase, as time has changed and thinking too. Not only Christians but also atheists. But anyway, I hope the surviving few, like some of the youths can continue to run temples' activities, after the generation of present parents. Not only Chinese but also other races like Indians. However, base on my observation, I think Malay Muslim will not be that affected as most of them can still strictly adhere to good traditions of the past. Whereas Chinese and perhaps Indians will be the most affected ones. I am really afraid to see a future where there are no more wonderful festivals to be celebrated and that if I want to celebrate or eat mooncake, I will have to go to China or Taiwan. Certain praying and offerings seem also to be deteriorated but I believe all these can still be uphold. It is also a sad fact that if lesser people, means lesser contribution and therefore a more quiet celebration. But life still goes on. I refuse to use the word "hope" as "believe" is always a lot stronger than "hope".
It will be exceptionally delightful to see every festivals and cultures to be a noisy (Not just rock and roll) and boisterous one.
Anyway, about the recent furore over the racist remarks, I truly agree and advocate that hard measures have to be done. I am anti-discrimination and all forms of racism, and whatevertism. Some people simply do not learn to "think big", "think wide", and be an open-minded person. Variety and diversity is forever a most colourful picture in my mind, not offending the homogenous nation who had their wonderful "colours" and "culture". At least, I get to test different foods, use different abusive words (Oppss,,,) and seeing things in different light. This is what is so unique about Singapore. And hard measures must be done, as from the broken window theory, we can even allow a scratch to be done to a good clear window glass, as this might eventually splattered and smashed one day. This is also tantamount to the principle of corruption. There are always this kind of people in the world, but again, I believe they will change their mind. Always, I have this stupid idea that rather a powerful alien invasion or disease will befall us, so that we will learn to be united and not be prejudice over stupid small differences, when we share the same 30000 genes. But this is a stupid idea, and I believe people will learn things by simple ways. Believe .............
Enough about the whole big thing, the general thing and an intellectual mind. Yesterday, I went for both Mooncake(Also known as Lantern, Mid-Autumn, and Unity[For a full moon represent a unite and full circle]) celebration at Toa Payoh Shuang Lin Monastery and Yishun R.C. I have much fun. Wishing using lotus leave, letting it float in a small pond. Enjoying sights of Lantern and performances. At Yishun, I walk around the large vicinity to reminisce about the past and to see how the landscape has changed tremendously. Only 6 years, is all it takes. Things change fast, faster than what I can think of.
But anyway, I am suddenly imbued with a sense of guilty and disconsolation. I saw a former Secondary and even JC classmate and schoolmate. I have never told this to anyone and never have I admit, but I feel I deserve to give myself some explanation, therefore I am using the blog as an open declaration and confession and to seek solace openly.
This former girl I have met, is actually the first girl I have ever a crush on. I do not know how it happen, until today, in retrospect, I have tried to use Science and unbias attitude to view how I ever get a crush by incident (Crazy me !), but alas no matter how I will always feel guilty of my nonchalant and "tao"(Ignorant and maybe arrogant) attitude.
This girl I met in a bus when I was a carefree Sec1 kid at Yishun, at my Primary School. The first sight I saw her and I know she is familiar, but that was just few weeks after the opening of the sec 1 school lessons.
Then, afterthat, at school, when I saw her, I knew that I have a crush on her. At that time, even though love hormones start pouring out into my blood, I am still ignorant and oblivious of the reality of relationship. And also I am devoid of courage, as this is a stupid point which I think I take the worng step. (After JC is the beginning of good differentiation point for me) Maybe it is my action, I am too obvious. I will always tried to take the same bus with her. I will always steal a glance at her. Until my friends start to poke fun at me. Of course my childlish mind try to fight back, and also to protect her, I will reject all claims of me "liking" her. Of course, I believe at that time she was disgusted but if I am more Man at that time, things will have been very different.
Sec 1 is a smooth sailing year for me, for it seems I can achieve the highest grade in the class, getting medals and cup in sports and competition as if they are all easy. I am also acknowledged as an important member of my CCA. But of course I got a little down (Maybe of my freckles and pimples as love hormones may mean unbalance hormones).
When I heard that she had a "boyfriend" who is senior to me and also my friend, I knew that this relationship will not last long, yet I feel sad. Then this feeling disappear as I hynotise myself everyday. Then, Sec 2 came, when everything seem to go wrong. But I get the feeling back again, maybe due to the fact that I can no longer suppress the accumulation of hormones. But again, I tried to act cool, and in some way, become a jerk, and "tao", and this cause me dearly. As people view me as a very introvert and shy person who always feel nervous talking to girls. This is of course very unhealthy. (though now I still have that stupid characteristics, but under the mind of meditation, I summon my strong sub-conciousness to detour the silly shyness)
Then at Sec 3 and 4, I totally "tao" her. In fact JC1 and 2, there are occasion where I am really close to her, but again I "tao". And I have found an explanation of all these is the fact that I choose to ignore and run away from feelings. This can be catastrophic, but lucky for me, it is small but on my personal touch, I am hurt seriously over the "running". In fact a real man should not run away but must face all bravely. A real man must in fact rise to the occasion. I am really guilty of this "tao", until I think she is absolutely disgusted with me. And I just realise I met her as I walked past her, and suddenly stopped in my mid-way as I thought I have just walked past a person I knew. I turned back and watched her continue her steps to the interchange. She was absolutely impervious by all the affairs. I thought of calling her, but base on reflections, I think it is wise not to. Who am I to her, a friend? After all the stupid things I have ever done. "tao" has indeed caused me dearly, this is why I am putting all action to stop this "evil". As I watched her back becoming smaller and eventually disappeared, many thoughts filled me mind. In fact, I think I am not fit to be her friend. Maybe she saw me or maybe she did not, but it was my fault that caused all the uncomfortable and uneasy fate.
If only I can savage the situation....
But anyway, what I can do for my future, is to prevent all these from happening. I have hurt many people over my disgusting and unforgivable actions. For now, I can only feel this guilt, as it totally assauge me, filling me with helplessness.
This will be truly a reminder, that Thou shall never be "TAO" by definition of haughty, ignorant of people especially those close to me and whom I know and also arrogant and proud (A negative meaning) .
I have classified 3 types of people I absolutely loath and disdian.
1.) Hypocrites
2.) Backstabber and an exposer that has promised to keep secrets but reveal indiscriminately without fulfilling a sincere promises.
3.) A very "tao", haughty, arrogant personnel who totally put everything under his/her feet.
These are worst than all creatures including thieves. Even some theives have backbone.
Sense of darkness ...
But I am seeing light now. As new light dawn on me ... A new light shimmering in my mind, guiding me. My sub-consciousness and myself, It is all in my mind......
It is a fact that numbers of Christian will increase, as time has changed and thinking too. Not only Christians but also atheists. But anyway, I hope the surviving few, like some of the youths can continue to run temples' activities, after the generation of present parents. Not only Chinese but also other races like Indians. However, base on my observation, I think Malay Muslim will not be that affected as most of them can still strictly adhere to good traditions of the past. Whereas Chinese and perhaps Indians will be the most affected ones. I am really afraid to see a future where there are no more wonderful festivals to be celebrated and that if I want to celebrate or eat mooncake, I will have to go to China or Taiwan. Certain praying and offerings seem also to be deteriorated but I believe all these can still be uphold. It is also a sad fact that if lesser people, means lesser contribution and therefore a more quiet celebration. But life still goes on. I refuse to use the word "hope" as "believe" is always a lot stronger than "hope".
It will be exceptionally delightful to see every festivals and cultures to be a noisy (Not just rock and roll) and boisterous one.
Anyway, about the recent furore over the racist remarks, I truly agree and advocate that hard measures have to be done. I am anti-discrimination and all forms of racism, and whatevertism. Some people simply do not learn to "think big", "think wide", and be an open-minded person. Variety and diversity is forever a most colourful picture in my mind, not offending the homogenous nation who had their wonderful "colours" and "culture". At least, I get to test different foods, use different abusive words (Oppss,,,) and seeing things in different light. This is what is so unique about Singapore. And hard measures must be done, as from the broken window theory, we can even allow a scratch to be done to a good clear window glass, as this might eventually splattered and smashed one day. This is also tantamount to the principle of corruption. There are always this kind of people in the world, but again, I believe they will change their mind. Always, I have this stupid idea that rather a powerful alien invasion or disease will befall us, so that we will learn to be united and not be prejudice over stupid small differences, when we share the same 30000 genes. But this is a stupid idea, and I believe people will learn things by simple ways. Believe .............
Enough about the whole big thing, the general thing and an intellectual mind. Yesterday, I went for both Mooncake(Also known as Lantern, Mid-Autumn, and Unity[For a full moon represent a unite and full circle]) celebration at Toa Payoh Shuang Lin Monastery and Yishun R.C. I have much fun. Wishing using lotus leave, letting it float in a small pond. Enjoying sights of Lantern and performances. At Yishun, I walk around the large vicinity to reminisce about the past and to see how the landscape has changed tremendously. Only 6 years, is all it takes. Things change fast, faster than what I can think of.
But anyway, I am suddenly imbued with a sense of guilty and disconsolation. I saw a former Secondary and even JC classmate and schoolmate. I have never told this to anyone and never have I admit, but I feel I deserve to give myself some explanation, therefore I am using the blog as an open declaration and confession and to seek solace openly.
This former girl I have met, is actually the first girl I have ever a crush on. I do not know how it happen, until today, in retrospect, I have tried to use Science and unbias attitude to view how I ever get a crush by incident (Crazy me !), but alas no matter how I will always feel guilty of my nonchalant and "tao"(Ignorant and maybe arrogant) attitude.
This girl I met in a bus when I was a carefree Sec1 kid at Yishun, at my Primary School. The first sight I saw her and I know she is familiar, but that was just few weeks after the opening of the sec 1 school lessons.
Then, afterthat, at school, when I saw her, I knew that I have a crush on her. At that time, even though love hormones start pouring out into my blood, I am still ignorant and oblivious of the reality of relationship. And also I am devoid of courage, as this is a stupid point which I think I take the worng step. (After JC is the beginning of good differentiation point for me) Maybe it is my action, I am too obvious. I will always tried to take the same bus with her. I will always steal a glance at her. Until my friends start to poke fun at me. Of course my childlish mind try to fight back, and also to protect her, I will reject all claims of me "liking" her. Of course, I believe at that time she was disgusted but if I am more Man at that time, things will have been very different.
Sec 1 is a smooth sailing year for me, for it seems I can achieve the highest grade in the class, getting medals and cup in sports and competition as if they are all easy. I am also acknowledged as an important member of my CCA. But of course I got a little down (Maybe of my freckles and pimples as love hormones may mean unbalance hormones).
When I heard that she had a "boyfriend" who is senior to me and also my friend, I knew that this relationship will not last long, yet I feel sad. Then this feeling disappear as I hynotise myself everyday. Then, Sec 2 came, when everything seem to go wrong. But I get the feeling back again, maybe due to the fact that I can no longer suppress the accumulation of hormones. But again, I tried to act cool, and in some way, become a jerk, and "tao", and this cause me dearly. As people view me as a very introvert and shy person who always feel nervous talking to girls. This is of course very unhealthy. (though now I still have that stupid characteristics, but under the mind of meditation, I summon my strong sub-conciousness to detour the silly shyness)
Then at Sec 3 and 4, I totally "tao" her. In fact JC1 and 2, there are occasion where I am really close to her, but again I "tao". And I have found an explanation of all these is the fact that I choose to ignore and run away from feelings. This can be catastrophic, but lucky for me, it is small but on my personal touch, I am hurt seriously over the "running". In fact a real man should not run away but must face all bravely. A real man must in fact rise to the occasion. I am really guilty of this "tao", until I think she is absolutely disgusted with me. And I just realise I met her as I walked past her, and suddenly stopped in my mid-way as I thought I have just walked past a person I knew. I turned back and watched her continue her steps to the interchange. She was absolutely impervious by all the affairs. I thought of calling her, but base on reflections, I think it is wise not to. Who am I to her, a friend? After all the stupid things I have ever done. "tao" has indeed caused me dearly, this is why I am putting all action to stop this "evil". As I watched her back becoming smaller and eventually disappeared, many thoughts filled me mind. In fact, I think I am not fit to be her friend. Maybe she saw me or maybe she did not, but it was my fault that caused all the uncomfortable and uneasy fate.
If only I can savage the situation....
But anyway, what I can do for my future, is to prevent all these from happening. I have hurt many people over my disgusting and unforgivable actions. For now, I can only feel this guilt, as it totally assauge me, filling me with helplessness.
This will be truly a reminder, that Thou shall never be "TAO" by definition of haughty, ignorant of people especially those close to me and whom I know and also arrogant and proud (A negative meaning) .
I have classified 3 types of people I absolutely loath and disdian.
1.) Hypocrites
2.) Backstabber and an exposer that has promised to keep secrets but reveal indiscriminately without fulfilling a sincere promises.
3.) A very "tao", haughty, arrogant personnel who totally put everything under his/her feet.
These are worst than all creatures including thieves. Even some theives have backbone.
Sense of darkness ...
But I am seeing light now. As new light dawn on me ... A new light shimmering in my mind, guiding me. My sub-consciousness and myself, It is all in my mind......
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Yin Shui Shi Yuan and Memory Day
Just 2 days ago, I went back to NYJC with Adam and Prat. To meet the teachers and to reminisce and update. But alas, I searched in vain for Mr Chan, my biology teacher and who inspired me and gave me the confidence that I can pursue my dreams. Mr Chan had again continue his quest for knowledge, this time going to China for TCM or Traditional Chinese Medicine. Despite having a Master in Biology, minoring in Botany and another Master in Accountacy, Mr Chan has yet ventured into a new field, this time in the name of interests. I believe that Mr Chan for his interest in TCM has also inspire his students to take up TCM. Well, I am shocked to hear the news as he was in teaching for only a very short time. There are also many rumours that Claren the lab technician and Mrs Tay, biology teacher going to leave NYJC and the teaching force. And conincidentally, all are from bio sector.
But anyway, I have a very long talk with Mr Foo, my former chemistry teacher. We talk aboout everything, the past, the present and the future. On the way, I also met and talked to Mrs Wong, my Math teacher, Mr Tan, my C.T and also Chinese Teacher, Mr Thaddus Lawerence, the botak(Haha), Mr Ho, my GP teacher and also saying he is going to leave teaching (Hah!).
But what I am really really shocked is the fact that Mrs Ho, our dear principal is retiring. Hai~~~ Time just flies. While age ruthlessly present. Mr Wan, whom Prat and I wanted to meet was also on courses.
All the people in NYJC have given me in one way or another. Giving me knowledge, teaching me principles.
Yin Shui Shi Yuan, drinking the water and thinking of the source will always be encyrpted into my mind. Once a NYJcias, always a NYJcians.
I have also met some of the odacians and the new dragon batch J1. Hah, The dragons have a super stiff comepetition, for their population brings good and bad.
My Odac president, Ken, was also in a jitter mood, as usual, when exams started. Haha. I am still cheering on him telling him to cool down.
NYJC simply brings too much memory. Now that the school had become much more nicer, with more better basketball courts and also, tennis courts. There is also a parade square and new Science Labs and facilities.
I can still remember how my senior and my batch suffer the shit. The kampong NYJC, The Great Wall of Nanyang, the dust and the noises. It is really amazing, and all the fond memories (Even bad ones are good) are all part of me. Though I am only separated from my school for 9 months, it seems a long long hurdles and separation.
I have visited the drum, the classroom, the science lab and even telling a couple of NYJcians that NYJC standard is simply lacklustre compare to a lot of other JCs. In my camp, as I asked around, getting 4 As are super common. And for NYJC to remain her competitiveness and for the NYJcians to edge, they simply must aim and strive for the best, as the best in NYJcians are simply still not comparable to others.
I am glad for the teachers and for NYJcians. As I am looking out for my new school, NUS, my heart still feel with gratitude and was warmed and touched as I stepped out of the compound. I really missed the past. Studying is still a lot better than working. But anyway, life goes on, but I will never forget the roots and the past, for that is how important history is. A successful person may be a genuis but without his past, is not truly great afterall.
I also have a slow walk with Adam to Bishan. To the Barberque pits where we always studied. The ants that bit us that truly inspire us in biodiversity. The Bishan Community Club study room which I comment how the atmosphere can kill me especially during the exam period that it stress me even more. The atmosphere is so tense that I can literally hear panic breath in every single person. After going there for one time, I refused to walk into that room again. And prefer ant bites. The tution centre at the R.C where I also study with Adam and Calvin, and the place we set up SciFi. Where we spot our dreams as we sought out the uncertainties. Our ambition.
The holy tables outside the R.C, where we studied too.
In fact, I even comment to all my teachers and friends that studying period during exam periods are the best of my time, as I enjoyed and played. Chess, Badminton, Basketball, Pokemon and Yu-gi-Oh. You name it and I played them. Indeed, I played as much as I studied. It was really enjoyable at that time.
Hahaha... For all the past, I hope that I can apply the same jovial attitude to my future. Studying and researching, and solving problems, are thrilling and superb to me.
I also look out for the Go chess club at Bishan Community Club. I have now took up a new chess and the hardest chess of all, Go Chess.
At J8, I also keep a lookout for all the past 2 years I have patronised. The Serangoon Central, which my friends and I have gone. The NY Macdonalds.
2 years ago, is my Memory Day. I have put this date as a reminder that good or bad, past is still important, though present is imperative and future is significant. All embroiled, I spent manyatime thinking of the past from when my conscious appear intelligent, even while chatting and playing Pokemon Cards and Go with Adam.
Memory Day is still a day for celebration to look back and to learn from mistakes, and enhance improvements for the present and future.
September 12 2005, the official date for the opening of an important Event, known as Memory Day, and to be celebrated annually.
But anyway, I have a very long talk with Mr Foo, my former chemistry teacher. We talk aboout everything, the past, the present and the future. On the way, I also met and talked to Mrs Wong, my Math teacher, Mr Tan, my C.T and also Chinese Teacher, Mr Thaddus Lawerence, the botak(Haha), Mr Ho, my GP teacher and also saying he is going to leave teaching (Hah!).
But what I am really really shocked is the fact that Mrs Ho, our dear principal is retiring. Hai~~~ Time just flies. While age ruthlessly present. Mr Wan, whom Prat and I wanted to meet was also on courses.
All the people in NYJC have given me in one way or another. Giving me knowledge, teaching me principles.
Yin Shui Shi Yuan, drinking the water and thinking of the source will always be encyrpted into my mind. Once a NYJcias, always a NYJcians.
I have also met some of the odacians and the new dragon batch J1. Hah, The dragons have a super stiff comepetition, for their population brings good and bad.
My Odac president, Ken, was also in a jitter mood, as usual, when exams started. Haha. I am still cheering on him telling him to cool down.
NYJC simply brings too much memory. Now that the school had become much more nicer, with more better basketball courts and also, tennis courts. There is also a parade square and new Science Labs and facilities.
I can still remember how my senior and my batch suffer the shit. The kampong NYJC, The Great Wall of Nanyang, the dust and the noises. It is really amazing, and all the fond memories (Even bad ones are good) are all part of me. Though I am only separated from my school for 9 months, it seems a long long hurdles and separation.
I have visited the drum, the classroom, the science lab and even telling a couple of NYJcians that NYJC standard is simply lacklustre compare to a lot of other JCs. In my camp, as I asked around, getting 4 As are super common. And for NYJC to remain her competitiveness and for the NYJcians to edge, they simply must aim and strive for the best, as the best in NYJcians are simply still not comparable to others.
I am glad for the teachers and for NYJcians. As I am looking out for my new school, NUS, my heart still feel with gratitude and was warmed and touched as I stepped out of the compound. I really missed the past. Studying is still a lot better than working. But anyway, life goes on, but I will never forget the roots and the past, for that is how important history is. A successful person may be a genuis but without his past, is not truly great afterall.
I also have a slow walk with Adam to Bishan. To the Barberque pits where we always studied. The ants that bit us that truly inspire us in biodiversity. The Bishan Community Club study room which I comment how the atmosphere can kill me especially during the exam period that it stress me even more. The atmosphere is so tense that I can literally hear panic breath in every single person. After going there for one time, I refused to walk into that room again. And prefer ant bites. The tution centre at the R.C where I also study with Adam and Calvin, and the place we set up SciFi. Where we spot our dreams as we sought out the uncertainties. Our ambition.
The holy tables outside the R.C, where we studied too.
In fact, I even comment to all my teachers and friends that studying period during exam periods are the best of my time, as I enjoyed and played. Chess, Badminton, Basketball, Pokemon and Yu-gi-Oh. You name it and I played them. Indeed, I played as much as I studied. It was really enjoyable at that time.
Hahaha... For all the past, I hope that I can apply the same jovial attitude to my future. Studying and researching, and solving problems, are thrilling and superb to me.
I also look out for the Go chess club at Bishan Community Club. I have now took up a new chess and the hardest chess of all, Go Chess.
At J8, I also keep a lookout for all the past 2 years I have patronised. The Serangoon Central, which my friends and I have gone. The NY Macdonalds.
2 years ago, is my Memory Day. I have put this date as a reminder that good or bad, past is still important, though present is imperative and future is significant. All embroiled, I spent manyatime thinking of the past from when my conscious appear intelligent, even while chatting and playing Pokemon Cards and Go with Adam.
Memory Day is still a day for celebration to look back and to learn from mistakes, and enhance improvements for the present and future.
September 12 2005, the official date for the opening of an important Event, known as Memory Day, and to be celebrated annually.
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