It has been around 1 month since I have inputted into the blog. As usual, I am rather "busy" doing all the things such as reading, doing chores, going out with friends and chasing my childhood. My childhood does not entitle me the priviledge of watching anime or manga as I do not have the cable TV and also less money to read. So, now, I use my free time to "go retro", to burrow all the available anime and Manga (Such as Flame of Recca and even DragonBall) from my friends and enjoy.
(For this paragraph, contents are purposefully concised and make into long-winded sentences ...)
[[[[[[[[It has been around one year, since I have been transferred from my division to SOC to join the PMU (Police MRT UNit). Talking about pride, which my TLs(Team Leaders) have tried to instill into us, I feel seriously deprived of certain dignity, no matter how motivating my TLs want to make my job seems. If a police officer has pride, he/she does not need to "beg" literally to officially rest in a room or to meet our basic need, the toilets and the water. Even if given "forcefully", it seems the "givers" are very unhappy and will show unhappy faces and utter disrespect even when the room is free and no one is in use. This is a slap in the face, as we are not the one who ask to come here, and we are also humans who need to have our fair share of rest. We are also protecting people and doing our jobs. I admit we heard nasty remarks about our job as a "wayang" job or a job that only "performs". This only further demoralise us, as those are the people whom we are protecting. These guys might even want to say that they do not need us. I admit we are not needed by them , but if so? It is not as if we ask for this unit to be formed. This unit is formed because of the "above", the big shots and the Minister. The mission is to deter terrorism and even crimes. These guys, whom I hope is minority of the population but unfortunately as I observed, the majority of Singaporeans who laugh and taunt the people who protect them, have not been hit by any terrorists. Singaporeans are really too lucky to comprehend the meaning of happiness and have taken peace and the people who are protecting them and doing their jobs for granted. Worst, some of these guys are our colleagues and even our "partners" (The "givers" whom we have to beg for rest and water). Without respect from the public is enough, but how can we have pride when the partners and one of us even contempt the unit? Pride unfortunately does not mean anything to be anymore as the pride has become ego, because I have to find ways to source for the "pride" we should have. And this artifical pride is going to become fake ego which is going to give false self-comfort. How to have pride as Group leader when your mates do not help you but deter you; When your mates do not listen to you or follow instructions during critical moment or when the instructions given are supposed to be correct and adhered to; When your mates laugh and criticise wrongly with the others (Not our Units and people such as the "givers") about the things and procedures you follow when all of them are correct and should be done. Worst of all, nothing can be done to those mates, as they are supposedly one of us or worst still have some connections with the TLs. I will have said that becoming a GL is simply a pain in the ass and do not provide me with any additional income. It is just an extra job that will simply make me feel sad for the helplessness. The problem with those people or mates who criticise wrongly happens to be non GLs, and this will make me feel more strange. If they are so good, why don't they take over my job? I have not asked for the job either. How to have pride? This is what I will have asked. Even when I feel that I am more lucky than the Army people, but still, somehow in terms of pride, I do not have the precious item as much as them. They are scolded and treated badly by their commanders but are given certain degree of respect from the "others". If we create the "pride", then it is ego, personally speaking. Thus, real pride must also come from the surroundings, from the environment, the people to the mates who are supposedly one of "us". And so, for all the dignity, the pride and respect, I am going to ORD soon, and I do not care whether even what if my OC say is true, "All these are just part of Job-Hazards ...". ]]]]]]]]
Today is my TP (Traffic Police) or driving test. And I am sad to announce that I have FAILED in my first attempt of the test. I cannot blame anyone or anything but myself. I am given a good weather, a good timing when there are lesser cars on the road and the circuit. Even the tester seems to be a person who is a neutral but a fair and good "grace-giver". Thus, I am endowed with good circumstances or FengShui and even luck. I have trained so many times that I believe that I can pass it on first attempt. I have a good and experience private instructor and also a new and good car. Yet, I am still "shaky" and "uneasy" with a little "inconsistency" in my feelings. I want to be confident and not to be overconfident. But the problem is I cannot have that 100% confidence and sureness as a tinge of doubt still exists in my capability. I have lost, because I lost to myself, the coolness and the calmness. Of all the obstacles and courses, I have actually got an immediate failure in my first course, the crank course. Just as I start on the first course and not more than ten seconds, I have mounted the kerb and thus rendered immediate failure.
Nonetheless, the tester give me a chance to gain "experience", and therefore allow me to continue my test even though I have failed. I am grateful to him and yet deeply shaken and demoralised. Nonetheless, I tried myself, and I can say if I did not mount the kerb, I will have passed the test. But then, if we keep saying "if", then what is the use of the differentiation between "Failure" and "Success". In my former entry, I have written something of the "Extra Tiny Reach". I am aware of the problem, yet I cannot overcome it and this make me a little frustated. I still repeat the same mistake and personally, I feel that I do not even have the right to moan, groan and whince, and at the same time imbued with a sense of self-pity.
Hai~~ It is over now, and the only thing I can do is to look forward to the next re-test and then be calm and cool. Only with calmness and coolness, can I stop mistakes from happening. I did not focus in the beginning of the test and therefore I have suffered a defeat. If I panic then I will lose the focus. Now, it is time I rest first, and then continue with my life and just keep swimming.
And maybe this is why I will have to be classified under the "lower-end" class, for a person who still cannot achieve something even when everything is tilted in the favour. By looking at those people who have achieved greatness at a time of peril, or in a circumstances of hell, I feel a little ashamed and embarassed. (Even now, there are good enough examples such as a poor person who actually achieve good grades and grow up to be a successful person).
I will like to ask myself with reference to the characters in the movies such as Mission Impossible. How can I achieve difficult missions when I cannot even do a simple job that already have my advantage? It is a total shame, frankly speaking, as I do not believe that I will have to "purposefully" put myself in a super harsh condition to bring out the best in myself and lose or sacrifice important things. Why cannot I bring out the best in myself by having the correct attitude, and the correct thoughts and moment?
Hopefully, I will not be like this any longer, as in my opinion, Singapore has given me a good environment and a good circumstances (FengShui), and hence I should not slack or do something that is stupid or simply fail.
That will have been morally,sensibly, questionably and horribly unjustifiable.
